Loose Ladies Day Outting by Lady Anne Mantal

This was the last of the season’s jaunts for the LOOSE Lady’s Local History Re-enactment Society. Already in May we enjoyed the day in Westmoreland, at Synergy Castle; the home of Sicklands from the Thirteenth Century time, until it passed into the surgical truss in 1952. Here too were the makings of a large bouncy castle with rubber walls, knights, horses, buxom wenches and hairy peasants. This re-enactment was lots of fun, however Lady Fanshaw remarked that having boiling oil poured over our heads as we stormed the gates was, quote, ‘a tad over the top.’ for her liking. Only two dead and three maimed in this muster.

The architecture, the furniture, the pictures and the domestic appliances: kettles, cooker; cauldron, all contribute to the opulent living. But a Thirteenth Century Castle, be it large or pokey, that is lived in is more homely than the a block of concrete on the fast lane of the M6; that was rubbish living there. And so it was with Blowhard Hall. There we were received by the owner, Col. Parker-balls and accompanied him on a tour of the manor to see yet more furniture: pictures, bandaged gear; whips; handcuffs and weekly prodding of the butler with a pointy stick. He being a gentleman's gentleman, a ritual going back to 1974, before leaving for Sugerwalls and afternoon tea with scones. On the coach, Lady Fanshaw explained the meaning and gave exacting demonstration of the ‘cucumber number’ and a very strange thing this sex thingy must be, hey Ladies? I’m sure my parents never did anything like that! Sugerwall's tea was nice, however I couldn’t face down the creamed filled scones after her very graphic demo.

The evening excursion to Downonham Hall was the jewel in my box, as this is where the gnomes must live, so pokey, only ten bedrooms. Yet there we were received like Ladies, which of course some of us are, including Trevor (a very big lady) by Lord Clitheroe himself who shook hands with everyone, then extended his warm lordly buttocks to each of us, which Lady Fanshaw kissed with gusto, remarking on ‘how much less pimply they where than Col. Parker-ball’s.’ We were shown more furniture, boring really, so we kicked it about a bit and left.

In our last outing and where we began this newsletter, the unexpected visit to Bradford’s own Crack House on the Little Horton Estate, which as not as grandiose as some of the places we visit, being a ‘back to back??’, was interesting. Once we gained entrance, by the ritual ‘Booting of the Door.’ We were shown to one of the rooms by the daughter of the household, where she introduced us to Lord Muck.

It possesses a homely charm and customs, such as ‘Passing of the Rap’ – a type of peace pipe, than the Smack followed by ‘E’ and the ‘Bunk Up’ - a strange naked horizontal dance, damp type of thing? After a really tiring visit we all climbed into a big green UFO, rolled up the sky and winged our way home. Lady Fanshaw remarking on ‘how we should visit the big orange hairy trees in the new season?’ I think! So a good time was had by me, on many return visits to Little Horton. LAM